How to keep your mouth shut

I have a genetic disorder known as “can not keep my mouth shut”. If I think someone is full of it, my arm raises, and my mouth engages, well before my brain can calculate the possible damage.

I have been in recovery for years and am here to share what I’ve learned.

As a rule, if you insist on speaking your mind, you will inevitably find yourself in an environment where everyone hates you.� Most people can not handle the truth. And the more you shove it in their face, the easier it is for them to ignore you. You simply become the person who always complains, rendering any good ideas you have entirely impotent. Your ideas will be shot down simply because of the reputation of the mouth they come from.

The trick to keeping your mouth shut is to hold the desire to effect change above your desire to tell people how wrong and bad they are. The later almost never leads to the former.

Back in my early days at Microsoft I worked on strong, confident teams where you were expected to have opinions. If you saw something stupid happening you were obligated to raise your hand, say “I think this is stupid and here’s why”.� If you were right, you were applauded no matter how senior the people in the room were. I argued with group managers, VPs, and many other scary, tough, smart people more senior than I, and in the culture this was fine, provided I had a point and made it well. If I was wrong, I’d be dismissed, but not roasted. I might even have gotten a small pat on the back later for at least not being afraid. I thrived in this environment and assumed this was how the world worked.

But then later on, in a new job at Microsoft in a group known as MSTE, I discovered a world of dysfunction, despair and passive/aggression. No one spoke their mind in public. Few people worked hard or asked tough questions. Quality of work, and morale, was low. So I soon felt obligated to mention these facts as often and as loudly as possible to leadership. I even expected to be rewarded for telling people how bad things were. Why wouldn’t they want to hear this? I thought.

Before I knew it, I was that guy.� The guy who always complains.

In my egocentric view, the work around me was well beneath the bar. And from previous experience i felt obligated to help raise the level of work. I expected to be applauded for pointing these things out. It was a kind of leadership action in my mind. But I didn’t stop to think the group had its own bar, and it was not my job to set it.

It took months of misery to sort out I was in a different culture with different expectations.� Hell, it blew my mind to realize there were other cultures at all. To achieve the same positive effects my opinionated nature had on the earlier group, I’d have to adopt a very different approach.

I also realized in the past, in other groups, progress happened not simply because I was right and took a stand (as much as my ego wished it to be true). It happened because my boss, or his/her boss, listened to my points and took action, or granted me the power to do so.� Having an idea changes nothing unless someone with sufficient power, and genuine interest, does something about it. The idea alone is never enough. Nor is saying it out loud.

In the movie Glengarry Glenn Ross, Blake (played by Alec Baldwin) gives perhaps the meanest lecture of all time to a bunch of salesmen. Why is this lecture possible? Why didn’t they ignore him or beat him up? Is it Alec’s strong chin and trim physique? No, it’s because the owners of the company asked him to do it. He’s allowed to open his mouth, and speak a certain kind of truth, however unnecessarily mean and adversarial it is, because he has the support of the people in power (You can watch this amazing scene here – NSFW). You could never successfully behave this way unless someone with more power then you allowed you to.

There’s another scene in Glengarry Glen Ross, where a salesman (played in the movie by Al Pacino) yells at the sale manager (played by Kevin Spacey), never to open your mouth until you know the shot.� If you don’t know the angle being played, anything you say might ruin the plan.

This is a great rule to follow before you raise objections or offer big ideas. No matter how right you are, if you care about effecting change, you should never open your mouth without some sense of who will agree with you and who won’t.� If you can anticipate the angles and responses, and judge, even by guessing, if there is a 80%, 20% or 0% percent chance anyone in good standing will follow your lead in support of what you say, you know whether it’s worth opening your mouth. It’s a world of difference of perception when someone respected says, after you speak, “he might be right” and when there’s only silence. And of course, in most cases your percentages go up if you raise your objections in private, rather than in a large meeting where egos are at stake.

These days, as an independent, I’m invited to visit and speak to different groups every week, in different cities and countries around the world. I depend on my ability to evaluate the culture I’m in each and every time.

Of course there are times when the BS has piled up too high and you have to speak the truth no matter the consequences. Forcing an issue can be the only way to get it the attention it deserves. But pick your battles. If a year goes by and you haven’t taken a single stand, I’d likely call you a coward (Nothing in 12 months was worth making a stink over? You have to draw your sword now and then to remind people you have one).� But if you’re taking a stand every day, you’re either a glutton for punishment, an egomaniac,� or too stupid to realize you’re working for the wrong people.

How to say things well, including the tough stuff, is another matter entirely and one I’ll save for another post.

Meanwhile, to help with my own recovery: how do you decide when to open your mouth, and when to keep it shut? At work or at home?

Posted Monday, September 28th, 2009 at 11:54 am

in Relationships, philosophy | 32 Comments » |

Brian DeMarzo - September 28, 2009 at 12:44 pm #

Just remember… We have two ears and one mouth for a reason.

One rule I have: Thou shall not open thy mouth unless all other mouths in the room are closed. This solves two problems:

1) You don’t try to speak over other people.
2) You stop speaking when you say something and people’s jaws fall open in shock.

After all, the spoken word has an UNDO feature, but it is often very hard, and very painful, to UNDO what you say, and often it is not successful.

Mike Nitabach - September 28, 2009 at 2:08 pm #

This is a very eloquent description of the need to “choose your battles”. So, how do you choose your battles? I choose mine based mostly on two factors: (1) the likelihood that I can win this battle and (2) the influence winning this battle will have on the *core* goals of my laboratory.

The counterintuitive thing is to decline to engage battles that you know you can win when the benefits of victory are minimal. This goes against human nature, especially for very competitive people. The corollary to this is to allow other people to win battles even when you know you could prevent them, if the detriment of their winning that battle to *your* goals is small.

Fight battles that you have a good shot at winning and that you expect to have a substantial effect on your core goals. Needless to say, this requires knowing what your core goals are, something that I surprisingly find many people to do a very, very poor job of.

Scott Berkun - September 28, 2009 at 2:17 pm #

Mike:

There is a huge emotional component in this for me. I felt I was a bad person for not saying the truth. I felt it was a matter of integrity.

But after my experience in MSTE, where my naive and self-destructive sense of integrity made me miserable, I worked hard to make it a choice. To get to a place where i could choose how much emotional energy to invest in a particular situation.

If an environment is toxic and dangerously stressful, I’m better served by leaving than environment than placing myself in the middle of it.

That’s an extreme case to answer your general question. But it leads to one word: commitment. The more committed I am to my boss, my team, my company, the more fights I’m willing to wage, and the more trouble I’m willing to get into to do what I think is right.

Mike Nitabach - September 28, 2009 at 2:28 pm #

I was this way, too, especially when I was a grad student. And I got a lot of positive feedback for it. But I eventually realized that I was getting positive feedback because other people were using my emotional investment in “speaking the truth” to serve their own goals, and not mine.

As I became more measured and deliberate about this, some of the people who praised me for my prior untempered outspokenness expressed disappointment at the change. This was exactly when I knew that I was doing the right thing by changing my approach.

Milan Davidovic - September 28, 2009 at 3:05 pm #

@Krish – this is the tack that I prefer to take; however. there’s a caveat:

“The member [of a culture] who poses awkward questions about �what everybody knows� in the shared culture runs a real risk of being dealt with as a troublemaker or an idiot. Indeed, there are few more reliable ways of being expelled from a culture than continuing seriously to query its taken-for-granted intellectual framework.”

Shapin and Schaffer (1985) Leviathan and the Air-Pump

Andrea - September 28, 2009 at 3:47 pm #

In my experience, regional differences can play a role here as well. I moved from the northeast U.S., where silence implies consent, to the southeast U.S., where silence implies that people are too polite to disagree publicly. (It took me a long time to figure this out.) I’ve learned that it’s often better to keep my mouth shut during a meeting and discuss the issue one-on-one later. Still, there’s no way to totally eliminate the possibility of damaging a relationship. Some people are predisposed to be victims, so any suggestion you make, even if you’re trying to help, is seen as a personal attack.

Scott Berkun - September 28, 2009 at 3:54 pm #

Andrea: You’re totally right. Culture matters. And a simpler way to make my point is to understand the culture before you attempt to challenge it.

As a former new yorker living in Seattle, I constantly fight my more east-coast, confrontation prone, ’silence is consent’ attitude, with the more friendly, polite, and passive west coast Seattle vibe.

That first group I worked in was an anomaly in many ways for both Microsoft, and for Seattle. It just took me suffering for awhile after leaving that group to put it all together.

Jason Crawford - September 28, 2009 at 9:21 pm #

Thanks for this post, Scott. I have gone through similar experiences when moving from one company to another.

Some things I’ve learned about speaking up:
* Learn to disagree with someone’s *idea* while still conveying respect for the *person*.
* Choice of words matters, as does tone and body language. Try to avoid: leaning back, crossing your arms, frowning, or using a dismissive tone.
* Remember that other people might be more thin-skinned or sensitive than you. They might also be intimidated of you, even if they don’t let on.
* Don’t *hide* your disagreement. Disagree openly and frankly. Doing so actually conveys respect.
* Point out specific problems: not “I don’t like this design”, but “With this design, I’m afraid of synchronization bugs”.
* Better yet, formulate it as a question: “In this design, how would we avoid synchronization bugs”?
* Be ready to suggest positive solutions of your own.
* Choose your battles. Let people make mistakes sometimes, and let them learn from them.

Elisabeth - September 29, 2009 at 9:31 am #

First off, this is an excellent post. It’s going into my personal archives: I too have been fighting this crippling affliction for all of my life.

I am “that girl”. Except I’m pretty sure that there was another noun used instead of “girl”…

I too have spoken out repeatedly, in various corporate cultures, against things that were “wrong”. More often than not, events usually transpired to prove that I was right. I have since discovered that this is not the point: the point is to not only to be right, but to be effective. Not at all the same thing, when you think about it.

Your post highlights many key points: know where you stand, private is always better than public, and pick your battles.

I have tried many things in my own personal therapy: the most ineffective was not speaking out at all, which nearly killed me. This was just denying who I was, which is stupid, really. Without passion, there is no emotion, and without emotion, there is no caring. I simply cannot do work I don’t care about. I think one of your comments hit on this emotional investment.

So instead, I am trying to learn when to open my mouth and when to shut up. It’s far from easy. So far, the best I have come up with is:

1. Know where your management, and their management, stands.
2. Know where your colleagues stand.
3. Find out if the thing you’re speaking against is a sacred cow and why.
4. Try to find as many business reasons to support your points.
5. And, if it’s too painful, leave.

Most important in that list (I know now) is #1: your colleagues might agree with you but be relunctant to say “she’s right” in front of the boss. (Been there, done that thousands of times.) I have recently come to the conclusion of #5 and have gladly moved on. I am saner for it.

Again, great post. (Nothing like it on the internet: believe me, I looked.)

Quentin Hartman - September 29, 2009 at 10:43 am #

I just remember this phrase (not sure where I picked it up): “Make sure the juice is worth the squeeze.”

Which is to say that you sure the positive outcome you are hoping for is worth whatever negative backlash / work you will have to endure as a result of pushing.

forradalom - September 29, 2009 at 12:54 pm #

Very interesting. I work with a that-guy who put me in a delicate position. He was offered a responsibility, turned it down, it was given to me, and I accepted it–and then he proceeded to steamroller me with how I should do it.

His opinions may be right, he may have experience, but he willfully ignored the fact that he maneuvered himself into a position of dictating how I should do my job without having any responsibility for the outcome. I did not resent his opinion, I resented his arrogance, the fact that he would not allow me to do and learn my new job.

There is a social aspect to relating to fellow engineers. Not everyone has the hide of a rhinoceros, and it is unreasonable to place the burden of coping with antisocial behavior on everyone else’s shoulders. Common courtesy, respect for boundaries, and respect for your teammates has its place and is not incompatible with good engineering.

Sarat - September 29, 2009 at 7:15 pm #

Good post Berkun. Usually when we raise the voice when we see things gonna end up in BS. Obviously poor planning, execution, unrealistic schedules, over/under estimation etc. If we tell the things in normal ways, usually seniors wont agree. Suppose if we’re the contact point to the customer,then they would ask to agree with this proposal or the specific model with customer even it’s a total BS. This kind of things never should happen in the senior level. This happens usually because lack of experience, lack of knowledge, ignorant about customer expectation or lack of experience in handling customers(or lack of understanding what he needs).

When we raise voice, they take it as either I am jade or making unnecessary complains. as you said nobody is actually ready to accept the facts even if they realize they’re doing some bullshit things.

What we usually sees that, if talk about something wrong people come to justify themselves (obvious) and the senior person get more support from higher management this is simply ridiculous. I dont know how to deal with these kind of pigs always doing and talking BS.

I believe our actions will speak for us. but still as you said everyone is not really good with accepting their mistakes and truth.

Maria - September 30, 2009 at 6:09 am #

Wow. Does this ever hit home.

I was in a similar situation back in my 9-5 days when, as an auditor (of all things), I was expected to speak my mind. I soon got a good reputation as someone who didn’t take bullshit from anyone. I thrived there. That experience suited me well when I lived in New York.

But when I became freelance (writer, not auditor) and moved to Arizona, things changed. And when I got a seasonal “real job” for a big tour company, it didn’t take long to figure out that they didn’t want the opinions of the peons. They wanted mindless drones who followed instructions and didn’t make waves. The end of the season (and my contract) was a relief.

I think people who have a real need to speak out need to find the right environment to do so. Otherwise, silence IS golden. Offer opinions only when asked for.

And everyone should know that the only thing you do when you belittle a person in front of his peers is make yourself look like a jerk. Life ain’t like high school. Knowing when to keep your mouth shut is part of growing up.

Anyway, great post.

rodica - September 30, 2009 at 7:55 pm #

You’re a wise man, Scott :) I think all of us with this affliction have learned the simple lesson “pick your battles” the hard way. The good news is that it’s a great nugget for both work and play.:)

Thanks for writing this!

Pawel Brodzinski - October 6, 2009 at 1:13 am #

I speak too much. Actually I try to learn the place I’m in, learn people I’m surrounded with and until then keep quiet. Unfortunately usually I start speaking way faster than I should.

My sanity check is result of my first few battles. If these are all lost I take a step back and plough my own garden only. There’s one quote I recall in these situations: “So you banged through the wall with your head. What are you going to do in the next cell?” If they don’t need me speaking I just stop doing that. Or at least I’m trying to.

Probably two most important things you mention are “pick your battles” and “[progress] happened because my boss, or his/her boss, listened to my points and took action, or granted me the power to do so.” This is exactly how it works.

If I see lack of will to improve things I stop pointing what I believe is wrong. I don’t need more enemies than I already have.

At home it’s completely different – we tell each other a lot. It works since usually we are able to accept criticism. Or so I believe.

LearntThatLessonToo - October 6, 2009 at 5:29 pm #

Yep..been there done that and Scott I agree with you, the more loyal I am to my boss/team, the more fired up I get.

I’ve been using the same principles as Elisabeth

1. Know where your management, and their management, stands.
2. Know where your colleagues stand.
3. Find out if the thing you�re speaking against is a sacred cow and why.
4. Try to find as many business reasons to support your points.
5. And, if it�s too painful, leave.

What I have learnt in the past month (on a new team) is -
1. Figure out the power balance in your working group or atleast with your management.
2. Figure out the silent influencers and become one of them. Not an easy task but if you have private conversations with these silent powers-that-be, it gives you a start on effecting change
3. Ensure your boss gives you air cover!
4. If in 12 months you havent had an impact – Leave!

tedd - October 9, 2009 at 7:09 am #

Good article and good advice. I never learned that lesson and I doubt I ever will. After more than four of decades of consulting, that’s probably the reason why I work alone with a few clients, very few good friends, and even fewer trusted associates.

The truth, as you see it, can be a bitch of a task master if you have to also live up to that yardstick. As a mentor of mine once said about religion, be careful in what you believe in because you are the one who is going to have to live and die with it.

On the other hand, you never have to feel you’ve comprise your standards. You are in complete agreement with yourself and there’s no conflict and no baggage — and that’s not bad. You are committed to something you belive in. Those who know you, even though they may not agree, will respect your integrity and at least know where you stand. That also filters out those who are not worth the effort. At the end of the day, you are the one you have to live with. So be true to yourself, speak your truth quitely, and let the world do what it will. I think that leads to a happier and more accomplished life.

Cheers,

tedd

Anonymous - October 19, 2009 at 6:38 pm #

I understand what you are saying. However, what is happening to corporate America? Why are projects allowed to be run into the ground? This is criminal. I am involved where the integrity on the project is being jeopardized. No one says anything. Everyone keeps playing the game. It’s difficult to commit extra time towards the project when you are destined to fail. The project plan is Get’r done!!

Liz Brown - October 21, 2009 at 12:00 pm #

Wow, I sure know this song.
I’ve certainly been ‘the one who speaks up’, and I’ve often felt like ‘the one who catches it’ for saying anything. It took awhile to realise that many people complain to their friends or close co-workers, but they don’t actually intend to ‘make a complaint’ formally or officially. They just like a good moan, as they say here in the UK.
In fact, ‘having a moan with your mates’ at the pub here is nearly a national institution. My straightforward Canadian ‘calling people’ on their moan (ie. ‘So, what are you going to do about it?’) was absolutely the wrong approach, and alienated my colleagues at one job, and I was utterly oblivious to it. In retrospect it’s not a big surprise I didn’t ‘fit’ well there.
But for me, it was, and is, part of being a responsible citizen: if something’s wrong and you see it, it’s your responsibility to phone the council, complain to the management, whatever. If you’re not willing to speak up and offer a solution (and some effort to seeing it through), you’ve no right to complain.
I still think that: but I have learned the value of choosing your battles. Life is too short to fix everything; you have to choose where to devote your energy for engagement, and your willingness to see a change through to its completion.
For the moaners, I’ve found the best answer to everyday moans is ‘Mmmmm’. Nicely neutral, doesn’t commit you, shows you’re listening. Very useful.
Well described, Scott. Best of luck with the recovery.

James - October 23, 2009 at 12:02 pm #

Since you’re a truth-teller, you won’t mind if I tell you that

But I didn�t stop to think the group had it�s own bar

should have been

But I didn�t stop to think the group had its own bar

“it’s” is short for “it is”, while “its” is the possessive.

James

heather - October 26, 2009 at 11:57 pm #

this is the story of my life!!! I worked at a large pharma company which was hell. it was all corporate games and i failed every one of them. I was constantly the devils advocate. what else i’ve learned is to never stick up for the underdog. there were new people who had questions or doubts but were too afraid to share them, so i would be the big sister and do it for them. no doubt this led to the hate-hate relationship between my pansie man boss and myself.

jen - October 28, 2009 at 11:47 am #

Scott, I can relate to this so very very much, but for me it’s not about a battle. It’s about being honest, like you. And it isn’t about negative or positive, it’s about communicating. But, right off the bat, I hear Brian’s tip making sense, because I do often have a problem of interrupting people, or even having it go back & forth of the other person & I overlapping in our discourse. It is very very hard.

I used to be such a quiet person! I swear this is a battle with my shyness. I’m nervous and would rather be quiet, but I also like to help, so I pipe up. This will be the ongoing learning experience. One of the greatest pieces of advice I ever had is that communication is the greatest skill a designer can ever master. I think that goes for human beings.

You are not alone, and it shows your worth that you even wonder about this.

@appswhisperer - October 28, 2009 at 10:00 pm #

Granted, there are vast organizational and geographic differences. And, I agree that keeping quiet can be best, especially in organizations where consensus reigns. In such a workplace, disruptive ideas are discouraged, so it can be a toxic workplace to opinionated folks.

As a consultant, you have the luxury of emotional distance, and your observations are likely to be spot on target.

I just read “Sway, the irresistible pull of irrational behavior”. In it, authors Ori & Rom Brafman describe how we make decisions and influence others.

In one chapter, they describe the roles in group behavior, and how, without a “blocker” (someone to play devil’s advocate), many groups are swept up in the “initiator’s” passion for a new thing. Team members can be too intimidated to speak against that emotion, and tend “go along” rather than confront an idea.

They reported that full-on blocking behavior wasn’t necessary, and that a small interruption in the flow was enough to allow team members to feel comfortable that they weren’t the only ones questioning the issue and to speak up. The result was better decision-making and collaboration.

Here’s to the clever folks with opinions and ideas finding balance in working with and influencing people.

Eric Schneider - December 10, 2009 at 3:24 pm #

I’m 35yrs. old and I still haven’t fully learned this lesson in life. Invariably I find myself in the exact same position you described. I think by speaking my mind, I’ll create change, and if not, I can at least weed out the small minority who agree with me. Eventually, my “co-conspirators” and I become hated outcasts. It’s not until the working environment becomes completely dysfunctional before I realize I did it again. I swear, though, my mouth has it’s own brain that must think 100x faster than mine. The problem is, it’s often 100x dumber. I have to start changing my daily affirmation to “Shut your trap. Shut your trap.”

Rachel Burns - February 3, 2010 at 2:15 am #

All good points. My dad always told me that my mouth would get me in trouble. I have a sharp tongue and the quick mind to match. I suffer from can’t keep my mouth shut too. I also suffer from bring something up to a supervisor in private that needs to be addressed that gets announced all over work as if I am the first person who ever said it and how dare I. Leaked by none other than the superviosr I brought it up to..and then being accused by same supervisor of leaking confidential information. Immediately followed by workplace shunning started by the hostile environment creator supervisor I brought it up to eventhough he agreed with everything I said at the time and I’m labeled as a troublemaker. Here’s the tricky part. I call them out. In private first. Then it gets ugly. I am a woman in a male dominated field. Do men have this problem too? I have to admit that I will never go into recovery. It’s working with people who are too busy to think of what to say next to listen to you. Like when you go to buy a car and the sales person keeps trying to talk you into financing and you keep schooling them with numbers and they get frustrated and run to their finance manager who never comes out. You want to grab them by the tie and say look here…I’m not allowed to be stupid as a woman so you certainly aren’t allowed to be a stupid man. I’m trying to decide if I am a glutton for punishment or too stupid to realize I am working for the wrong people. I know that idiots are out there in massive numbers. Are the right people out there? If so, where?

pligg.com - September 30, 2009 at 4:21 am

How to keep your mouth shut …

Am I the person always complaining?
How do you decide when to open your mouth, and when to keep it shut?
Or should you consider this at all?
…

An Eclectic Mind » Interesting Links, September 30, 2009 - September 30, 2009 at 11:01 pm

[...] How to keep your mouth shut – The trick to keeping your mouth shut is to hold the desire to effect change above your desire to tell people how wrong and bad they are. The later almost never leads to the former. By Scott Berkun. Thanks to @Jodene on Twitter for sharing the link. [...]

How to keep your mouth shut – interesting article by Scott Berkun « Reflections of my thoughts… - October 12, 2009 at 2:03 am

[...] time I am really interest to quote about his new article in posted in his Blog �How to keep your mouth shut?� Why I am quoting this here because this is a common problem we face including myself in our [...]